Tag Archives: norway

#2. Weather

7 Jul

It’s no secret that Canada has some of the worst weather to be found in any country, anywhere on earth.  This is not hyperbole and if you think it is, you’re either A) Canadian or B) You’re not Canadian, but you’ve never been to Canada.  To be sure, if you happen to like miserable, shitty weather 90% of the year, then come on over to Canada, have we got a treat for you!

Inexplicably enough, Canada’s soul-crushing winter seems to be something of a source of pride for many Canadians.  There’s something entirely sado-masochistic about a land whose inhabitants regularly pat themselves on the back for being capable of (and not really minding) temperatures that in many places of the country, often drop below -30°C (-22°F) or worse.  Some of (but certainly not all of) the worst winter weather can be found in central Canada, in places like Manitoba, Saskatchewan and Alberta.  In these places, locals will often tell you with a totally straight face that the winters aren’t so bad if you “dress for it” and that even though the winters might be long and cold, the sun is always shining.  As someone who has been through more than his fair share of central Canadian winters, let me just tell you that neither dressing for it nor the sun’s rays will provide so much as a single drop of relief from the horrendously demonic ass-fucker that is a Canadian winter in central Canada.  Anyone who tells you otherwise has long since lost the ability to judge between warm and cold temperatures and is so used to the years of lying to themselves about the weather quality in their home province, that their opinion regarding this issue is in no way, shape or form even slightly valid.

Now, because I’ve singled out central Canada for an example, please don’t take that to mean that the rest of Canada’s weather isn’t that bad.  It is.  Winter lasts a long time in this country and even when it isn’t exactly “winter” the weather  is still far from spectacular.  Summer has its share of warm days, but for the most part, summer lasts about two months.  Vancouverites or those who live on nearby Vancouver Island, will try to brag to anyone who’ll listen that their temperatures remain “mild” throughout the winter.  Keep in mind if anyone from Vancouver or Vancouver Island should ever tell you this, “mild” in this particular scenario is a Canadian mild in terms of weather and not a normal mild.  It’s also well known that “mild” in Vancouver is little more than a euphemism for “pissing rain 24-hours a day for six months”.  So yeah, it’s still cold, just not as cold as the frozen tundra that is the rest of Canada.  Basically, it’s like the difference between being in the fridge instead of the freezer.
So fucked up about weather are Canadians that it is not uncommon to see people wearing shorts in the middle of December, January or February, particularly in Vancouver where locals have actually duped themselves into believing that they live in some sort of tropical paradise.  I’ve seen people in Canada walking around in shorts when the temperature is far below zero and there’s about a foot of snow on the ground.  Seriously.  It’s sad.

The kicker in all this is while Canada may not be alone in being a place that is cursed with terrible weather – I mean surely Finland or Sweden or Norway or even Minnesota isn’t all that pleasant during the winter months – it is alone in being one of the only places on earth whose citizens have no warm option.  What I mean by this is that most Europeans have the good fortune to move to another warmer country in Europe, even if only for the winter season.  Americans have California, Hawaii, Florida, etc, to choose from if their home state’s weather is just too bad.  Canadians?  We have nowhere to go.  There is no pot o’ gold at the end of our shit rainbow.  Just more snow and wind – or if you prefer, rain and wind.

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