Tag Archives: help me leave Canada for good

#1. Hockey

1 Jul

If you’re new to this blog and have no idea what this is all about, I would suggest taking a quick trip here first before you read on.

Okay, well since this is the very first post and seeing as how it just happens to be July 1st (which in Canada is a national holiday called Canada Day), I figured that I would start things off with a bang by pissing all over the only thing that Canadians seem to collectively care about: hockey.

Canada has no cultural identity – and when I say Canada has no cultural identity, please don’t mistake that as me saying that Canada isn’t multicultural (which it is), or that the First Nation peoples of Canada don’t have their own real authentic culture (which they do).  Sorry, but Canada as a nation is cultureless.  The country is too young and consists solely of immigrants – once again, aside from the First Nation peoples who are of course, the people who were here long before there was any here.  So, being that we lack culture, Canadians tend to glom on to things that they think makes one Canadian.  An overzealous, dull, irritating obsession with hockey is always at the top of that list.

My problems with this are numerous.  First off, hockey is a sport and as such can’t be at the forefront of any claim to cultural integrity.  If a sport tops the list of things that you can tell people from other countries who are curious to know about your culture, then there ain’t much going on at home.

Second, hockey is for meatheads.  Buffoon mouth breathers whose ability to grunt little more than “CANADA!” at the arena while sucking back shitty Canadian beer in $75 seats are not representatives of any country or culture that I personally want to be a part of.  These are the same people who willfully hoist signs at such mind numbingly patriotic events as the Olympics that read “Hockey is Canada’s Game”.  And?  Your point is?  I’ll tell you why hockey is Canada’s game: because no one else in the world gives a shit about it.  Yay!  We’re great at a sport that like, four countries on earth play and which even fewer than that actually attract large amounts of spectators to.  While the rest of the world is playing soccer or cricket or rugby or hell, even tennis, we Canadians are conceited enough to sit back, grinning smugly about our ability to play a sport that most people in the world have never seen a single second of before.  Hey, that’s great that we’re good at hockey and that we love it so much, but we love to act like it actually matters to anyone outside of Canada.  The only thing that’s worse than acting like our dominance of hockey actually matters to anyone outside of Canada is believing that it does.  And man oh man, do Canadians ever believe that it does.

This is what I have to put up with for 9 months out of the year.

All right, I’m going to be fair here.  Not everyone in Canada loves hockey.  There’s me and a few other people milling about.  But if you live in Canada and you dislike hockey, then man, are you ever in the wrong place.  The hockey season ends in May, but that doesn’t stop gatherings of meatheads from playing it on concrete all over the place.  By September, things are beginning to roll once again and if you can find a newspaper that carries a front page story that doesn’t involve hockey, well then you mustn’t live in Canada.  Hockey takes precedence over everything here and I mean everything.  Some Africans died of an epidemic?  That piece of news fits nicely just below the article on the Canuck’s chances of winning the Stanely Cup next year.  For nine months of the year (and often more) this shit is crammed down the throats of Canadians.

Indeed.  Hockey is too much.  There’s just too much of it and the faux sense of duty foisted on Canada’s citizens to incorporate it into their cultural identity is sickening.  Being in a country that doesn’t watch or pay attention to hockey (read: all of them aside from Canada) is a motherfucking relief, I can tell you that much.  I’ve had the fortune to experience it for a few years and it was pure bliss.

If only I could do it again…

Please help me out with a $1 donation!